By India McCarty
Want to have an open and honest relationship with your teen? Experts recommend starting to lay the foundation in early childhood.
“Parents want their teenagers to ask for help, come to them when they’re in trouble, or even just share something — anything — about their day,” Siobhan Chirico, a psychotherapist and educator specializing in child and family therapy, told Today’s Parent. “But those open, trusting conversations don’t begin at 13. They begin at three.”
Chirico told parents that building the foundation to create that trust is easier than they might think. Her first tip? Being present.
“You don’t need to be a flawless parent with expert-level answers. What kids crave is your undivided presence,” she said, telling parents to put down their phones and engage with their children, whether it’s having a conversation or doing an activity together.
Australia’s Raising Children organization agreed, telling parents to make space in their schedules for quality one-on-one time.
“Time together is how you get to know about each other’s experiences, thoughts, feelings and changing interests,” their website explained. “This shows that you value and appreciate your child, which is great for your relationship.”
Chirico also cautioned parents against forcing any kind of deep conversations, explaining that kids will “talk when they’re ready.”
Related: ‘Mom, Do You Notice Me?’ Why Parents Need to Put Their Phones Away for Their Kids
“Sometimes, their timing won’t be ideal (think: 10:00 p.m. on a school night when you’re exhausted),” she joked. “But when your child wants to talk, try to pause and lean in. That responsiveness tells them, ‘I’m here when you need me.’”
Lastly, Chirico told parents to avoid offering solutions when their child is sharing a problem. Instead, listen to what they’re telling you and let them feel like they’re being heard. This can help your kid feel “emotionally safe” and learn that they can come to you “without fear of being dismissed, criticized, or ‘fixed.’”
“Building trust doesn’t require a perfect track record. It’s built moment by moment, in the everyday rhythms of family life,” Chirico concluded. “Listen. Be patient. Because when your child believes they can come to you with the little stuff, they’re far more likely to come to you with the big stuff, too.”
For parents of teens who are looking for ways to build that trusting relationship now, the Boys & Girls Club of America shared several tips.
In addition to the same advice of finding ways to connect every day and giving your teen space to talk, the Club’s website also recommended giving them the opportunity to be independent.
“Give your teenager chances to be independent and feel the trust you’ve bestowed on them,” it explained. “If you’re worried about their safety, be honest about that. Tell teens that their safety is your utmost concern, and work together to create an effective safety system that covers boundaries, privileges and emergency contacts.”
Building a strong sense of trust takes time and is something that parents can work on every day. With these tips, you can create a strong foundation of trust that will carry through to your child’s teen years!
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