FIRST TESTAMENT: CIA VENGEANCE

What would you expect from a distribution company that has released such movies as HOT WAX ZOMBIES ON WHEELS and CONVERSATION WITH AN ALIEN? If you would expect little or nothing, then FIRST TESTAMENT: CIA VENGEANCE sure tries to deliver . . . and still manages to fail.

It’s hard to make much sense out of the jumbled story of this laughable spy thriller, but let’s give it a try. Ron Becks, who also wrote the script, stars as CIA Agent Philip. Philip is tired of killing and refuses to assassinate his next assignment. This eventually forces him into a ridiculous showdown with another CIA agent, where Philip has to kill several attackers. Part of the plot involves Philip having to train a mysterious young woman to kill North Korea’s president. Apparently, the CIA wants to stop the reunification of Korea to prevent it from becoming a formidable nation-state. The bad guy turns out to be a white CIA agent who’s upset that affirmative action in the CIA allowed black people and women to take his father’s job away.

At one point, England’s Prime Minister comes to America to knight Agent Philip in a hotel room, but this scene is never explained and never discussed later. Nor does the movie explain why the English Prime Minister would recommend an American CIA agent for knighthood, much less come to America to do it.

At another point, Agent Philip uncovers evidence of devil worship in the CIA and a plot to “destroy every religious organization in the world,” but that too is never fully explained and left hanging. Later, Philip’s female boss calls him a “good Christian,” but then he practices mystical healing developed from some mysterious new religion whom the bad guys in the CIA are trying to eliminate. Nothing much is developed from these things either.

Filmed on videotape, FIRST TESTAMENT is so atrociously made that it’s often laughable. A lifeless, plotless, pointless mess, this movie offers viewers jumbled scenes, poor editing, bad sound, inappropriate music, and terrible acting which vengefully attack the common sense of any viewer. It is truly a Golden Turkey with many laughable scenes, including: 1) A Korean actor’s English words are so difficult to understand that English subtitles magically appear; 2) A CIA agent goes to get rid of four dead bodies and announces, “This is just a bloodbath,” but a camera pan shows no visible wounds or blood; 3) An agent defends his use of force when he argues with his young protégé, “If you’re going to kill people, at least kill people for world peace”; 4) Agent Philip runs by one female antagonist in a martial arts pose on a stairwell, yells at her while chopping his arm, and she miraculously falls down without even being touched; and, 5) One tormented character utters several comments viewers will relate to while watching this crazy movie, like “I wanna die” and the equally appropriate, “I don’t know what I’m doing here!”

Actually, the scariest news perpetrated on the audience is that FIRST TESTAMENT: CIA VENGEANCE is supposed to be part one of a trilogy. Run for your life and don’t look back.