By Mallory Mattingly
Green Beret Rory Hanlin, a father of six, recently opened up on the “We Who Dad” podcast with Movieguide® CEO Robby Baehr about the joys and challenges of raising a family as an active duty service member.
Hanlin deployed eight times, spending five years overseas in total. Through his deployments, he made a goal to stay connected with his wife and kids.
“It certainly hasn’t been easy. I don’t know that I would recommend deployment to anybody. But I would also say that I made it a mission to think deeply about our marriage, about the family, and about how we’re positioned in life — where we’re going, what we’re doing, what we stand for,” Hanlin said.
“On each of the deployments, my wife would tell you — if she was here, she’d laugh — because she’d tell you that the deployments were so good for our marriage. Again, I’m not recommending this at all to anybody. But I would say that because I focused so much on introspective questions,” he explained.
Hanlin and his wife would only get a chance to call for 30 minutes at a time on his first four deployments.
“I used the time to — because you can only call, and for the first four deployments, there was no video chat or anything. For the first couple, you were just waiting in line for the phone,” he recalled. “That structure — that scarcity, if you will — demands you, if you value your marriage, demands you think about every word you’re saying because you’ve got 30 minutes or whatever.”
“So there were a lot of these prep sessions that I would do. We would come together over the phone and have very deep conversations. It was very powerful,” he continued. “We would do that throughout the deployment. I would come home, and after a period of integration, we would move anew. That’s one of the reasons why we had six kids. But it’s also one of the reasons why we bought a farm. A lot of the major decisions, as I think about it, were because of the introspective reflections that I do.”
A parent’s deployment leaves a lasting mark on children.
According to an article from Fatherly in 2019, “About 2.8 million children have had a parent deployed in Afghanistan, Iraq, or Syria since 2001.”
Research done by the VA found that “Children with a deployed parent may be at an increased risk for behavioral problems, maltreatment, and substance abuse.”
“For children, deployment-separation can bring a sense of fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and absence,” Dr. Suzannah Creech, a research psychologist with VA and a professor at Brown University, said. “Veterans may experience similar worry and an impact to their parenting skills caused by post-deployment health or mental health problems. By understanding exactly what’s going on, we can best identify our treatment options for these children and families.”
Related: Vikings RB Joins USO Tour to Honor His Parents’ Military Service
Military One Source recommends tips like spending one-on-one time with your child each day, showing love to your child and being present for your child to keep building your relationship with them when you’re not deployed.
However, Hanlin found that serving in the military can provide dads with tools that can help them lead their families well.
“I’ve learned that one of the best ways to build trust and to build a team and to build a family is shared hardship…and shared destiny,” Hanlin said. “If you don’t have those same consequences as your kids, you don’t share the same hardship, like if the kids are cleaning the room, I’m helping them, you know, clean the room as well.”
He also urged men to lead their families well, “providing purpose, direction and motivation to your soldiers but like also your family, your wife, your kids. Like what what is the purpose of the family? What is the mission statement? What is the direction where are we going?”
Being a military parent on active duty is not for the faint of heart, but by using the same methods as Hanlin, your marriage and relationships with your children can still flourish.
Read Next: Candace Cameron Bure Talks Honoring the Military and Raising Kids Well
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